-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

finding nemo

the last week has just been so busy. busy good and busy bad and busy overwhelming. i finished my exams wednesday morning, which was a relief, though i am quite disappointed with my performance this quarter. my level of effort was subpar, to say the least.

Nick and I had a nice date last night. We went and saw Finding Nemo, and then hung out in the hot tub at his apartment. It was quite fun. Nemo cracked me up. I think I was most humored by the depth of dental knowledge of the fish.

Then, today, all of us Cromem girls went to the beach. It was so much fun! Priscilla and I put on bathing suits and went splashing around in the waves, and I got completely wet. This despite the fact it was maybe 60 outside and the water was FREEZING. It was so cold I was completely numb. We took all these pictures, and I did a handstand for the first time since I was about 8. I love my Cromem friends. I can't believe Priscilla is leaving. She's been such a good friend. We so much the same in some ways, and so completely different in others. We totally disagree on some issues, and we've had many discussions on topics we a) feel strongly about b) don't agree on at all, but we've always respected each other, and I think we've both come away with new perspectives.

This year, none of my best friends are white. Maybe I shouldn't notice this, if I was totally not racist & colorblind. This fact, however, has really changed my perspectives. Now, when I go to the grocery store, I notice how all the magazines have white faces on the cover, despite the fact the country is only 50% white. i notice that there aren't any indian hollywood stars, and that chinese stars are few and far between.

i've been listening to mandy west constantly lately. and our song is, 'when the day is done' by norah jones.

10:39 p.m. - Jun. 12, 2003

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to cut him down like an old dead tree

i'm in the middle of exams. i had numerical computations on friday which went fairly well. now i have about 500 pages of probability to read - well 400, maybe, since i've read about 100. i'll try to read another 100 pages after dinner.

nick is mia, which is slightly perturbing, but perhaps beneficial to my studying.

i'm only taking one class this summer, c++, which i'm excited about. if i can't do research in this situation, it's hopeless.

i think i'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome. i'm not sure what's making it worse, typing, mousing, writing or playing the flute.

6:56 p.m. - Jun. 07, 2003

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ramblings without a point

apathy is overcoming me. i just don't care enough about my grades right now; i just want the quarter to be over. i've a homework due tomorrow, and i just can't motivate myself to do it. grrr.

for some reason, i'm convinced that people in breakers actually care about my life. i feel self-conscious when i'm caught holding hands. i feel people are saying, what's going on with them? are they going out? really, most people probably don't care. it's a delicious feeling, though, being giggly and teenagerish, giving each other sappy looks. there are, of course, also the annoying parts - the doubt, the wishing i could read his mind, etc, etc.

i had my last flute choir concert tonight. priscilla, albert, eun joo, fridge guy (eun joo's love interest), and nick came. priscilla is so nice; she came to all my concerts and brought people to every one. i looked up after the concert, and didn't see anyone, and i was afraid no one came. then i saw priscilla and albert smiling away, and then nick looking down at me from the top row, and eun joo with her boy (who is, btw, quite cute. i approve!).

10:09 p.m. - Jun. 03, 2003

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

questions before a nap

i get to breakers, and i look for his bike. i'm telling myself, don't be an idiot. don't be so obsessive; you'll know in a minute if he's there anyway. and he's not, and i resolve to stop thinking about it. but i look up hopefully everytime someone walks in the door. so ridiculous!

joel and i eat together and he tells me how he's from the coldest place in the us. what about alaska? well, the coldest place in the continental us. wow, he's not really a sun-kissed californian after all. tunji is there, and dave b. and annika. how was your weekend? oh, kind of boring. lots of work. and you? the same. dave c. is there, eating six hot dogs out of moldy hot dog buns, making me laugh. i remember how intimidated i was by breakers (and stanford) at the beginning of the year. i wonder what things would have been like if i hadn't known abhinav? (and had met more aa's) if i hadn't lived in cromem? (known less people, living in apartments, but probably more americans.) if i hadn't joined breakers? (no albert, no nick, so susan, or dave or kristof or paul . . .)

1:21 p.m. - Jun. 02, 2003

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the spark that lights the night

it's hard to explain how i feel today. it's been a boring weekend - i watched a couple movies, went for a couple runs and a nice cycle, played the flute, and read a book. it hasn't been very sociable. the ee's were getting drunk and going out last night, but stephanie didn't want to come (she has a final on tuesday), and she's the person i usually go to these events with, and i didn't want to go by myself.

stephanie has been dating this guy from slovenia lately. he's like her for a couple months, and she's been kind of warming to him gradually. anyway, it's really cute that they're dating, and they seem pretty happy (though, i don't know if it will work out - but she's going away for the summer anyway, and it'll definitely "work out" for two more weeks.) anyway, i'm really happy for stephanie, but all of the sudden one of my two best friends here has an almost-boyfriend and i feel kind of jealous and left out. i guess that's always the way. selfishly, when i'm single, i want everyone else to be, and when i'm dating someone, i want my friends to be dating also, so we can go on group dates. there were three kind of concurrent romances building over the last few weeks, one of which was my own. the other two appear to be going swimmingly, while mine has kind of fallen through.

nick and i exchanged cd's. he gave me some kind of jazzy cd (jazz is the one genre of music i don't like) and a folk cd (nicer, but still doesn't make me rave). i gave him a mixed cd i made about a year ago with some classical, some dance, and some pop, and an irish cd, a copy of one i made for my dad's birthday a few years ago. i was listening to the irish cd, wondering what was on it, and i heard that song "ride on," by christy moore. i love this song! i was listening to it all day yesterday. i love the line about "eyes wild and green." also, i stumbled across that daniel bedingfield song, "if you're not the one." very nice, both of them, and kind of suited to my mood, kind of peaceful but kind of sad.

11:30 a.m. - Jun. 01, 2003

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

breaking up the girl

crunch time is approaching; exams start next friday. in the mean time, i'm trying to be more active in the lab, attend all my classes, and keep up with homeworks. i feel that if i wasn't such a slacker, it would be all good, but i just have to take time off and nap or read occasionally. i'm feeling so buff lately from exercising with susan; it's fun. i can actually see muscles in my arms again for the first time in about two years.

nick and i had breakfast this morning. he was late, but it was nice all the same. we had a nice phone conversation last night too. who knows where this is going. (probably nowhere good)

11:05 a.m. - May. 30, 2003